have you ever

have you ever heard that song by Reba Mcentire “If I had only known?”
its a song about if she had only known all these things how she would have done so many things differently. So many times in our lives we look back and think OH MANNN. I shoulda.. I wish I had… I know in my life there are so many. several really HUGE ones. but one major one comes out every year. It is coming up really soon. like, THIS WEEK. It haunts me like something you have no idea. I am sure your thinkin.. gee this chick needs some help. OH YA we have been there.
yes I have been there, Been shrunk, meditated, hallucinated, hesitated and had many a preacher tell me their “O PINION on things” DO NOT get me started I could write many a book on this. and hit my knees before the lord So do NOT START WITH ME it is a personal demon that I fight with. Its the “IF”.

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN….. If I could have kept him on that phone maybe for 10 more minutes maybe it would have been different. 10 more minutes…..

even 5?

could it have made a difference?

would it have been someone else in his place instead that day?

wouldnt want that to happen…but,

what would have happened if?

would they have subdued the idiot, and we all still have my dad.. IF.

big word for two letters.

If I would have known what was about to happen that day. I would have stayed on that phone for an eternity to keep him away from what happened next. these are all questions I still ask. I have alot of things I have to work out with the man upstairs one day… I WILL. I know he has a reason. It will make sense. someday. THAT WAS MY DADDY! I WANNA KNOWWWW! but today. I still ask myself that question.

EVERYONE HAS a story. I know this. Do you scrapbook them? So far I have not scrapbooked this. Not the details. I can’t bear to put this idiot/aka person that did this to my daddy in my book. I say idiot because this is a pg/G rated blog. But, I have newspaper clippings and all the 911 pages, court documents from the trial. I have everything. every last little detail. Even letters from idiots family. I was there. ya. for all of it. Daddy was always there for me. My dad.
Some day. Bella will ask more questions. I have boxes. She has already asked. I have told her on her age level appropriate need to know answers. He died a hero. In line of duty.
I think My child needs to know the truth. What drugs do to you. They destroyed our family. And that idiots as well.

Our family is going through this still and will forever because a spoiled idiot kid on drugs took away what he saw as just another uniformed deputy. THAT MAN.. was my daddy.
Our WORLD. NOT just another man in uniform…. when you see a uniformed officer out there. smile. Tell them thank you and to be careful out there.



One thought on “have you ever

  1. So sorry for your incredible loss. Couldn't help the tears as I read. I am so glad you scrapped this page. It is so important to tell all of our stories…even the sad and upsetting ones. It helps us and will help our kids know that life is not always easy…but we must persevere. God bless =)

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