Nothing is more frustrating than the unknown. The uncertainty of unpredictability of a disease that no one has really any control over. It leaves you powerless and spinning like the tidy bowl man round and round down that endless drain of despair of flush. We all grasp for the golden ring of hope, the positive behind every situation. The strong arm to hold us up over the hump to make it through but glooming over is always the thought will it happen?
Well that is exactly what happened. I had been making it along rather well. TOO well I guess you say. beautifully. Eating good. Exercising. Getting to do so much I have missed. Beach time with my girl (HEAVEN) Being able to drive again and work out (LIKE A BEAST MIND YOU!) Being able to feel like myself again. THE NANCY I know I AM. Not this person that is in a wheel chair or on a walker. on massive doses of ridiculous medications that make me feel like a zombie. It is like a light switch popped on and I came out of a coma. It has been so wonderful for my child and for my husband especially for my self and my psyche.
I have enjoyed every second
and trying to keep my stress down to a minimum but hey LIFE HAPPENS. You know how some people just live to PRESS your buttons and see if they can set you off by beating dead horses. Bringing up everything in the world they can to see if they can bring you down.
That is what I need to work on. How to not let it get to me. How to deflect it and understand why they have to be that way. It is so hurtful and makes no sense why. breaks my heart. I still don’t understand that. What do they gain in my being sick? Instead (dr orders) I have to separate myself from it. This is life or death. yes I have heard this many times but he is NOT PLAYING now. He wrote it on paper. This is Not just oh I feel bad. This is not swallowing face going numb losing eyesight. major organs can fail. I don’t think some people get it. NO I am not whining or complaining just want people to leave their drama over ~~~~~~> and their nasty comments away. If you can’t be supportive. Then go away. simple as that. I don’t have time to be anything but happy.
Sometimes I wish there was a switch in my brain I could click off to make me just not care. It would be so easy. Especially when it involves my baby girl.
she is my world.
My husband’s and my responsibility solely is to protect her and to raise her in the way we promised before God. We stood in a church and vowed we would raise her to not take up to ungodly means. We were blessed with this child we thought we never would have, It was our duty to return our blessings and thanks to God that promise and we will keep that promise. NO MATTER what. No one will get in the way of that. Nor will a disease.
We sacrifice whatever to make her have a better life than we did.
Having said that. She has gotten very used to me feeling better so this flare up is hitting her very hard. She was getting used to the mommy that got to play. That was getting out playing outside. Going to the beach, at the gym all the time. I was making her so proud. She is NOT NOT NOT happy right now. she is struggling. It hurts her heart. which in turn breaks mine. Disappointing this child is the biggest issue I have. I want her to be proud of her mom. Not to be embarrassed her mom has ms. I want her to see her mom as a fighter that doesn’t let it stand in her way. That will fight the dragon and not just fight it BEAT IT. I had a very strong example growing up. I guess I want to pass that on to her. NEVER give up. I don’t want her to know the word quit. I want her to know a strong sense of self as well as will power.
She can do anything she puts her mind to.
I know it is ultimately her decision. She is her own person. We can only be the example. I just can only pray I give her a good one to follow. That she knows we are relying on the good book, the man upstairs for answers,and each other to keep it real. Staying positive. Never quitting and giving her all the possible love and opportunity we can muster in our beings .
Truth is, A flare is a learning experience. set backs happen. It doesn’t mean its the end it just means its time to regroup back up re evaluate and try again. Dust yourself off and get back up. that is the important part. GET BACK UP. Never stay down keep going my dear. keep fighting. Keep dancing, keep singing, keep smiling. Things happen. Life will throw curve balls we just have to learn to adjust the way we swing the bat.
This is only temporary. You are forever. We are forever. Us 3. No matter what comes up we got this. no worries
Stay focused on what we know… what we know works. What we know doesn’t work, we will leave outside influences where they are. BE POLITE but, concentrate on our goals and keep focusing on the challenge before us. we got this. Love you with all my heart and soul ,