ONE month from TODAY

Bella will be 5 years old……
WHAT HAPPENED. WHEN did this happen? I just blinked. You were just born. You were just that teeniny thing that gave me fits in my belly that poked her butt up in my ribs that yes now even 5 years later I have a disfigurative rib cage on that side from YOURRRR BUTT. Thats ok It is a battle wound I pray I keep forever. Do you have any idea how wanted and loved you are little girl? We worked so hard to get you and I REALLY mean that. I will never forget the look on your daddys face when the dr told us I was in remission and if I wanted a baby THIS IS IT. I had a window with being off these medicines to get pregnant with. SO needless to say the “work began” we had been married 5 years and we were so wanting a child. I will never forget when we found out. We were both so happy.
I will never forget his face when You entered the world. He had tears in his eyes but was so excited to see you. IM YOUR DADDY. THIS IS YOUR MOMMY. I dont remember much after that except I wanted to see the feet that kicked the crapp out of me for the last 9 months. you had this look on your face of WHAT? PUT ME BACK I DO NOT LIKE THIS. You kept that look on your face for a while. Your daddy was so protective of you. From the get go. He wouldnt let them take too many pictures because it hurt your eyes. See your daddy taks good care of us .. his girls.
There should never be a question of doubt that you were sent to us and that we had placed that order for you a long time in advance. GOd knew just what he was doing when he made you. YES you are alot of pay back both of us wreaked havok on our sibling and also our parents somewhat. Even though they loved us like we love you. You never know how much you are loved by your parents until you become a parent yourself.
My entire life changed at that moment. I have not regretted it for a second. Even the first year of screaming, the collic, the torrential 2’s that followed up with the threes from hell. YOu are a curious and michievious child. (refer back to the payback line) Our lives though are so comeplete now with you in it. IM so glad Im your mommy. But ya know.. I just don’t know if Im ready for this FIVE thing yet.
I know you are cause you talk about it all the time HOW YOU WANT TO BE FIVE.
I want to live in four a little while longer. Is it so wrong that I LIKE that you call it a fridgefrader (refigerator) and pannacakes (pancakes), I KNOW I KNOW I should make you say it the right way but just if I HAVE to live with FIVE at least let me have this OK?! You have always had your own language for things. I didn’t mind. We knew we were doing this ONE TIME so we basked in every second of it.
I know alot of four was hard on you. Mommy was sick alot. Daddy was having to deal with that. I hate that I missed some things.
I just breaks my heart and just makes me mad at myself for not getting to be at those functions. BUT you have a wonderful daddy little girl do you know that? Your daddy has done it all. He has cooked cleaned taken care of you as well as taken care of me. IF THAT does not show how much he loves us. THen I dont know what does. A man shows the love to his children by how he loves their mommy. so I have to say. He has done a pretty darn good job.WE are very lucky and blessed to have him you know that?
but back to this Five thing. Can we just talk about it a bit more. Can we just not do the FIVE. I dunno why FIVE is so hard for me. Maybe its the tough year we have had. I dunno but I guess it is a sign too you are growing up. You are becoming a kid. A little girl. No more baby. The baby ways are leaving you. Before long you wont want mommy and daddy to do as much with you and we will take that back seat to friends and things. I know that will be here before I know it. Selfish of me yeah but by gosh YOU ARE IT FOR US so we get to be selfish with you. You see those piles of scrapbooks in there. Those are for you. Those are all the moments and the thoughts and the love I have to give you. That is the best way I know to show it. Even when I cant get out and go to those little fun things at school, when IM stuck here I can do that for you and for me. Daddy takes the pictures so I feel I was there. I just wish I could be in teh audience smiling and clapping showing you how proud i am of you.
I am proud of you ya know. So ya know get used to this cause when you turn 6 I will be worse. IM sure 10 wont be so hot either and dont even think about 16 or oh man I cant even say it. so JUST STAY 4 ok. Keep calling it a fridgefrator I dont care if you get counted off for that in school it will be our secret! We will just sit here and eat chocolate and BEJOYCE!


7 thoughts on “ONE month from TODAY

  1. Oh I so know how you feel.. It is soo hard to watch them grow up… I know that my life has not been filled with all the grief that you have had.. but, from one mom to another and one friend to another..You are priceless and she is YOU!!!! Let her grow to be the woman you are!!! Luv your gutz gal!!!!lolT

  2. OOOOOOOOOOO wow, your journaling brought back the TWO fives i went through and trust me you are so NOT alone in that. its a crazy cool milestone that’s bittersweet. oxymoron i know. but trust me. this too shall pass and you’ll bejoice. lol!!! miss you. smoochies!

  3. Oh Nancy, I’m so feeling your heart and your deep way down inside wishes for your little girl to stay just that – your little girl – for just a little while longer.Thank you for putting our hearts into words in ways we just couldn’t possibly express it.I heart you Nancy!Lis

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